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The ESP of the Jewish Way of Life 
Roll your mouse over each circle to find the questions. Click on circles for more about Jewish ESP!
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A Christmas Tree in My House?
by Gil Mann |
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Dear Readers, |
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Shalom Gil
:I have a problem. My kids from my first marriage are 9 and 15 and are Baptist. I converted to Judaism four years ago. I am now married to a wonderful Jewish man. My children are supportive of MY choice for my own religion but have made it clear to me that they are Baptist and will not change at this point. I don’t press that issue. But they do share Shabbat candle-lighting on Fridays when they are here with me (every other week). They do celebrate the other holidays with me as far as getting together for dinners, but not going to synagogue or anything like that. We always have a seder on Passover and we do celebrate Hanukkah with some presents and celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Now that they are getting older, they are saying that I don’t share THEIR holidays with them, like allowing a Christmas tree in the house. What makes this year especially difficult is that they are here with me this Christmas season and they are feeling cheated in a certain way. Usually they are with their Baptist father over the season and I have never really had to directly deal with this issue. Now I am and I don’t know what to tell them. I have told them that this is a Jewish home and that we don’t have a tree. But now they are angry and hurt because I have not acknowledged them in their religion. I admit —I am feeling guilty. They do participate with me all of the time—how do I do the same for them? Honestly, I feel like I have abandoned them somewhat by not freely allowing them their religion when they are with me. Please help me if you can. I need some direction on this issue. Thank you. H Dear H :First I want to compliment your conscientiousness and the attention you’re giving this issue. You’re clearly trying to be a good mom and person. Your problem is so intriguing and challenging that I plan to use it as an Email of the Week and encourage readers to send in their advice. Personally, I wouldn’t like having a tree in my home so you must know that I start with this bias. I don’t buy the idea that a Christmas tree is just a secular or seasonal symbol (it’s not called a holiday or winter tree.) In fact, I think your kids understand this completely, which is precisely why they want a tree—to celebrate Christmas! Additionally, I know that any advice I give on this most tender topic has the potential to upset somebody…but here goes. I’ve come to these conclusions: You’re correct to be sensitive to your kids’ religious needs—after all, you converted, not them. The Jewish home where you live is designed to nourish you, but you also have an obligation to nourish the children you have brought into this world. Accordingly, I’d suggest the following courses of action. In this order :First choice: Have the kids spend the holiday period with their dad…if this is still an option. Second choice: See if you can give the kids a tree (or little trees) in an area of your house that can be for them (i.e., bedroom or loft). Third choice: Let them have a tree in your living or family room. No matter what you choose, I think you should have an honest and caring conversation with them, so all of you (including your current husband) can express your thoughts, desires, misgivings, and concerns. You may need to find some compromises (for example, how to handle decorations, crucifixes, etc.). Here, I don’t mean to imply a compromise that is a mixture of religions—like Jewish ornaments on the tree. I think this is confusing and not true to either religion. You should look at this issue as a situation that you must face in your home until your kids are 18 or so, meaning this is a temporary issue—not something for the rest of your life. In the future, though, I’d endeavor to have the kids spend this holiday period with their dad so you can avoid the discomfort of a tree in your home. I wish you and your children a holiday season of love, understanding and happiness! Gil
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Being
a more ETHICAL person.
This column is an
excerpt from Gil’s new book Sex, God, Christmas & Jews,
a finalist in the Jewish Life and Living category of this year’s
Koret International Jewish Book Awards.