Dear P,

How to react to a wish of Merry Christmas? In your case, to use your word, "gently" is the key. Your brother-in-law is family and I also start with the assumption that his intentions are good. 

I think the best way to get your point across is to have a non-confrontational, private chat with him well before or after Christmas. Having your husband join you would probably be helpful. Before doing that, you should have a clear understanding about why this bothers you, so you can articulate to your brother-in-law what is upsetting or offensive to you.

You should be prepared to offer alternative behavior you would prefer. You might want to consider using this opportunity as a kind and friendly "teaching moment." For example, to your nieces and nephews, you could say something like "Thank you for the Christmas wish, that’s nice of you.We’re happy to be celebrating Christmas with you, even though it’s not our holiday and we wish you a very Merry Christmas. At this time of year, Jewish people celebrate Chanukah, so really the best wish for us would be Happy Chanukah."

Going to this level of explanation is probably a bit much for most of us, most of the time. I agree with your brother-inlaw — "Merry Christmas" is such a common wish at this time of year, people say it almost as they would "Good Morning." If you, however, hear the greeting as more loaded than that, with strong religious or theological messages, (about the birth of Christ, messiah, savior, etc.) I can understand that. Still, without knowing any more details of this story, I don’t find your brother-in-law’s behavior offensive, though I’m sure some would differ with me. A similar situation would be if you had a Chanukah party for your extended family and asked your kids to wish your brother-in-law a Happy Chanukah.

In general, when a Christian offers me a wish of Merry Christmas, even if they know I am a Jew, my interpretation is "this is a message of good will." Naive perhaps, but as a rule I don’t look for conflict, especially at this time of year, with so much said about peace and brotherhood.

I do find that at this time of year, people seem kinder and more respectful. With this in mind, I think the ideal would be for each of us to accurately greet each other for our respective holidays. A nonspecific "Happy Holidays" wish is safest, but even if the "wrong" greeting is offered, I think we should assume the best of each other. Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays!

Gil