The thought of saying 13 made me cringe inside. Why can’t us married folk skip that superstitious number just like hotels skip the 13th floor? 

What’s so important or wonderful or even necessary about celebrating a 13th anniversary? 

Other anniversaries are certainly more interesting. One year is worth marking since a couple has made it through their first year together — a year of transition and change from individuals to a couple. Ten years seems like a real accomplishment — reaching into double digits for the first time. If you make it to 25 years you must surely be blessed and well, the 50th anniversary is the Golden Anniversary — need I say more? But 13 is so, well, you know, 13. It has "baggage." 

Then, it dawned on me. If you’re Jewish, there is another answer to forsaking the whole 13th anniversary — reframe the 13th year as your Bar Mitzvah year! Why hadn’t I thought of that immediately? The idea changed my whole perspective. 

Looking back on our 13th year from that viewpoint illuminated some important things for me. We had lived away from my hometown of Kansas City for 12 years and moved back during our 13th year of marriage. The choice to do so made us reevaluate our lives. Where did we want to live? What kind of lives did we want our children to have? What would make us both happy professionally and emotionally? 

At our wedding, as my husband and I circled one another seven times, we had promised, "Ani v’ata nishane et ha’olam — You and I will change the world." How would we do this and what did we have to give to our new community after we had spent so long establishing ourselves elsewhere? 

Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah candidates ask similar questions while preparing for their big day. They may wonder, "Where do I fit in with my Judaism?" "Why is it important for me to celebrate my Jewish heritage?" "What mitzvot can I do to make the world a better place?"

After the move we decided to join the synagogue where I grew up. Ironically, as I was first putting these thoughts about the number 13 together, I received a call from our cantor to set up the all-significant 13 in our first son’s life — his Bar Mitzvah date! Our son, God willing,would stand on the same bima I did when I became a Bat Mitzvah and the same bima where our chuppah (wedding canopy) once covered my husband and me.That would not have happened had we not made the decision to return to Kansas City. 

As the Bar Mitzvah year anniversary starting to make more sense to me, other significant Jewish 13s began to pour into my mind… 

Jacob, one of the forefathers, had 13 children — the 12 tribes and their sister, Dina. 

In the 12th century, the great Jewish scholar and philosopher, Maimonides (the Rambam) developed the Thirteen Principles of Faith, which were significant enough to be written into the familiar final hymn, Yigdal, found in the prayer service. Whether you embrace them or not, there is value in understanding the Rambam’s Principles: 

1. God alone created all things. 
2. There is one God. 
3. God has no body or form. 
4. God is eternal. 
5. God alone should be worshiped. 
6. The words of the prophets are true. 
7. Moses was the greatest prophet. 
8. The source of the Torah is divine. 
9. The Torah is true. 
10. God is omniscient. 
11. God rewards and punishes. 
12. The Messiah will come. 
13. God will resurrect the dead. 

Another significant 13 is found in the liturgy for Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Jewish Festivals — the 13 Attributes of God. In the Passover Haggadah, the 13 Attributes are included as the 13th number in the song Echad Mi Yodeah? It is believed that God disclosed these attributes to Moses on Mount Sinai. The words are,"Adonai, Adonai, God, merciful and gracious, slow to anger, abundant in kindness and truth, preserves kindness for a thousand generations, forgives iniquity, transgression, and sin, and pardons those who repent." 

I can’t help but think that these words not only describe the relationship between man and God, but that many of them can be applied to relationships between spouses. In marriage, a couple should show mercy, compassion, and graciousness to one another just as we want God to show mercy, compassion, and graciousness onto us. 

To make our relationships work, we must be slow to anger and be kind to our partners. We need to be truthful in order to trust and be trusted. 

As God preserves kindness for a thousand generations, we, as parents, celebrate and practice our Jewish traditions in the hope that our children will pass on our Jewish heritage to their children. 

Not every marriage is perfect! There are times when we commit wrongdoings to our partners — sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. As long as we understand and know that we’ve done wrong, we hope that our partner will forgive us when we ask, just like God pardons when we repent.  

Numbers and their meanings are important in Judaism. A spark went off inside when I realized the great significance of the number 13. Out of all the anniversaries, I never would have imagined that the 13th would have helped me learn more about my Jewish heritage. Until now, I hadn’t thought about our move home to Kansas City, all the decisions we made, and the chance to reflect on our life as being analogous to a Bar Mitzvah. Nor had I expected to be inspired. 

The next time someone asks me how long we’ve been married, I will be proud to say,"We’ve been married for 13 years!" 

Sheila Sonnenschein is a freelance writer who lives in Kansas City with her husband and four children. You can reach her via e-mail at ksonshine@earthlink.net.

cover | previous page | next page