Do you suppose that one of the reasons we Jews squabble excessively amongst ourselves is that because, by the very nature of our religion, we have been so steeped in law and discussion about the law, that we are all latent lawyers? I don’t intend that remark to be facetious. 

To argue and discuss is healthy. It’s part of our tradition. The problem arises when we assume the rightness of our own arguments to the exclusion of others’ convictions. We can be so sarcastic and downputting. A counter argument can make its point without being insulting. 

Sincerely, 

G 

Dear G: 

You raise a good point about our legal tradition that I think is, indeed, a partial explanation for our constant squabbling. But "partial" is the key word here. I would add three more pieces to your explanation. 

First, we have a tradition of being "questioners" (a nicer term than some of the alternatives  sometimes used to describe us, like "argumentative"). 

We teach our youngest children the value of questioning every year at our Seder. A rabbi once taught me that the most important part of the Seder is to ask at least one question, even if that question is "When are we going to eat already?" This is because asking leads to learning about our heritage and hopefully ultimately, to improvement and progress. 

The tradition of questioning goes all the way back to Abraham, the first Jew. In the story of Sodom and Gomorra, Abraham questions God over and over again — some might even say he argues with God — not to destroy the two cities. 

I have often marveled at this episode in the Bible. What chutzpah and bravery to argue with God! Can you imagine saying to God — the all knowing and all powerful — "Excuse me, but before you do X or Y, I’d like to point out something you hadn’t thought of yet!" This story also amazes me because Abraham is revered as our father and role model! 

In addition to being given permission to argue by the examples of our role models, another reason we squabble is our sages. Abraham, Moses, prophet after prophet and the Talmud all teach us four important values: 

• Speak up when you see injustice! 
• Do not be satisfied with the status quo! 
• Honor a minority opinion! 
• Stand up for what you believe in! 

Customarily, our rabbis have reinforced these values through hevruta study (studying with a partner) to encourage the challenging of each other’s thinking. Beyond rabbis, anybody who learns these four values (in other words, most Jews) would end up squabbling a lot. 

Finally, I think we squabble a lot (at least with each other) because all Jews are really extended family — and family members never get along 100% of the time. 

So when you combine your observation about our legalistic tradition with role models who challenge everything — even God, values that almost demand speaking out, and the fact that we are family, you get an explanation of why Jews argue so much. 

I don’t think this is necessarily bad. Much of it is downright healthy. The problem is that family members will say things to each other we would never say to a stranger. When our disagreements lack respect and are hurtful then they become unhealthy. Another contributor to this problem is a lack of listening — that is, truly hearing what the other side is trying to say. 

My rabbi once told me that God gave us two ears and one mouth, and we should use them in this proportion! I hope Jews will continue to speak up and yes, even argue on behalf of things we believe in. As Jews, this tradition of ours is something to be proud of — provided we speak with respect and follow my rabbi’s advice to listen more than we speak. 

Thank you for questioning! Happy Passover! 

Gil  

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