The Power of Forgiveness-
18 Years Later
by Gil Mann 

Dear Readers:
    Most of us carry a hurt or a grievance against someone who we find difficult to forgive. I suspect you can easily identify someone you’ve had trouble forgiving. Keep that person in mind as you read the emotional exchange of emails below. As you will see, what transpired was moving and healing.
    Especially at High Holiday time, I thought others would be inspired by the story and sought permission from the two writers to print their very personal emails that follow. Understanding how others could be helped, they graciously agreed. (I have changed names and details.)

Dear Gil:
  Our daughter, Ellen, was killed in a car accident, 18 years ago. Her best friend Sharon was driving, when the car hit a bridge.
   Her parents were very good people and our families were close before the accident. At first we were very concerned for Sharon. Needless to say, after Shiva, etc., the relationship died of natural causes.
   We recently found out that Sharon’s mother died about a year ago. Sharon is now married and has 4 children, including a new baby. She has never asked for forgiveness in any way, either by words or action.
   Our daughter would have been 42 today. It is so hard to hear all the news of friends who are married and now have families.
   What do you suggest?? Toleration to us, means put up with, to acknowledge. To forgive, as I under-stand it, is to ask for or indicate there is remorse for the past action even if it cannot be resolved - such as bringing our daughter back to life.
    I have been doing bereavement education for many years now and have enabled many bereaved parents to nd a place in their being to tolerate the intolerable. Most of the time we don’t think much about Sharon, but holidays do bring this to the surface to be ruminated upon.

Shalom Rose:
   I read your letter with sadness. As a person who works with the bereaved I think you could give me more advice than I could give you. Still, I will offer you my reactions.
   First, of course, it makes perfect sense to me that you think of Ellen and Sharon at the times you mentioned. If you did not, then I would be surprised.
    I wondered as I read your email, if speaking to Sharon would be fruitful and healing for you. After all these years, I would guess that Sharon has not totally healed. My guess is that she had thought to speak with you but felt awkward, ashamed, guilty or some other feelings, and as time passed, the feelings were muted but the awkwardness increased.
    Perhaps a note to her expressing your condolences over her mother or a Mazol Tov on her children would work. In the note indicate that you think of Sharon and her friendship with Ellen often and would appreciate the chance to reminisce a bit. I would avoid putting her on the defensive in the note and in person, but if the conversation was going well, you could even candidly discuss what the accident was like for Sharon. I am not sure an apology would emerge, but something positive for both of you could.
    And if she did not respond to your overture, that too may be helpful to you (hurtful as it may be) as you will learn that Sharon is simply not at a place you need her to be. Let me know what you think. Shana Tovah!

Gil

Dear Gil:
    I wrote to you around the Jewish Holidays and how it made me think of my dead daughter Ellen and her friend Sharon who was driving the car when Ellen died.
    It has taken this long to complete the task. After a number of phone attempts, Sharon and I finally connected and we had a long talk on New Year’s Day. I feel it was a definite breakthrough. Then she sent me the attached email.
    I just knew that Hashem kept pushing me to do this as 18 is a very important number in Judaism. The fact that it means “life”made me need to do this.

ATTACHED EMAIL: Dear Rose and Herb:
    I just wanted to drop you my email address. I really appreciate you calling me. Our relationship turned into an extremely difficult one. I want you to know how many times I wanted to call you guys. I’m the kind of person that keeps everything inside. I don’t like anyone to see my vulnerable side. I know how much I hurt 18+ years later, I can only imagine your pain. I don’t mean to bring back any painful thoughts. I’m sitting in front of my computer and tears are running down my face. I too miss Ellen and will eternally pay the price for extremely poor judgment. I have lived the past 18 years for both she and I. She is always with me. I wish you both a happy new year.

Love, your old friend, Sharon

Gil

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