Dear Gil:
Our rabbi says the only true way to ask forgiveness
is to go up to the person whom you
wronged and ask for it directly, etc., etc.
(You know the steps.) But, the man I’m in
conflict with actually wronged me —
although it does take two to tango.
I didn’t want to go into the High Holy
Days angry and was trying to find a
way to deal with the issue so I went
up to him at services and wished
him a Happy New Year and he
shunned me.
That was Erev Rosh Hashanah. In
the morning I ran into him. I had
bought a few bagels and offered
one to him. He looked at me with
a smirk and turned his back.
At that point I went to our rabbi and said "that’s
two — one more and I am done."
According to my rabbi, gestures and good will
don’t mean anything in this situation. He said I
had to go up and ask for forgiveness directly.
I was trying to get over what he had done in
response to my attempt to smooth things over.
Why would I apologize to him?
L
Dear L:
Unfortunately, your well-meaning gestures did
not improve the situation between you and
this other person. If they had and you were
able to patch things up, I might feel differently.
But, as you note, according to Jewish
tradition, we must ask for forgiveness
three times before we are
released from the obligation to apologize;
so, I must agree with your
rabbi, your gestures are not a
substitute for a direct apology.
Why should you apologize, you
ask? Two reasons come to mind.
The first is simple — you hinted
that you contributed to things
going bad when you wrote it takes
two to tango, so that is reason enough. I also
gathered you feel the other person is far more
in the wrong than you. And this leads me to
reason number two.
Fault at this point is irrelevant. The situation is
causing you pain and making you a prisoner of
your own anger.
While this may sound a little harsh, let me use
another e-mail I received this week to explain
what I mean. This person also felt wronged by
someone else. She wasn’t able to verbally apologize,
so she did it psychologically,
and the results were liberating for her.
Hope these words and those that follow are helpful to
you.
Gil
Dear Gil:
Last year at Rosh Hashanah our Rabbi suggested we begin
the service by
taking a moment to silently ask someone for forgiveness.
As he said this, the face of a friend appeared in my
mind — someone dear
to me in the past,but with whom I had broken off the
friendship — and she
with me — in anger some six months before.
Since the break, I had fumed daily over things she had
done that made
me angry. Occasionally I had said to myself aloud that I
forgave her... yet
in my heart, I had not.
Each day I became angrier and it seemed as if my anger
would suffocate me.
When her face popped into my head at services, I reacted
inside with surprise. Why should I ask her to forgive me? She was the
one who was
wrong! I was right, I was certain of it!
Nevertheless, I decided to go through with the exercise.
I closed my eyes,
envisioned talking to her, and said words to the effect
of: "Please forgive
me. I have judged you these past six months when it was
not my right to
do so. I apologize and ask your forgiveness." In my
head I saw her smile
back and say,"Of course I forgive you!"
As I opened my eyes again I felt a surge of warmth —
indescribable in
words. I felt clearer and lighter. The service went on
and I forgot about
the experience and, in fact, about my ex-friend — she
completely left my
mind for the first time in months.
Two days later I realized I hadn’t thought ill toward
her in two days —
a remarkable situation since my fury had consumed me for
months.
As I thought about her again, no anger was present, only
a sense of calm.
That morning in my mail was a card from her wishing me
Shanah Tovah (she
is not Jewish). She said she hoped I was well and would
have a good year.
The card had been mailed the day before — the morning
after I had mentally
asked her forgiveness.Had she received my message
subconsciously?
As I read the card, I felt no ill will toward her, only
peace of mind.
Some weeks later, I sent her a birthday card and
received
a phone call from her. It was as if nothing had happened
between us. My anger did not return. It has been the
greatest feeling of peace that I have ever known.
Perhaps the best way to begin this new year is not to
say
we forgive but to ask forgiveness from those in our
lives
we have judged.
Y
Dear Y:
As you can see, I am sharing your letter with another
person who wrote to me — and the rest of the world.
I must point out that I am not big on subconscious
apologies,
but in this case, I can’t argue with the results. I
hope
others find your story as valuable as I did.
Thanks for writing!
Gil
Gil Mann is the author of How
to Get More Out of Being Jewish Even
If: A.You are not sure you believe in God, B.You think
going to synagogue
is a waste of time,C.You think keeping kosher is
stupid,D.You
hated Hebrew school, or E. All of the above!.
Call (800) 304-9925 to
order Gil’s book.
|
Being
a more ETHICAL person.
