Dear Gil:

I became a Jew in my early 30's. At the time, I was a feisty Italian-American girl who was looking desperately for some spiritual meaning and community in my life. I "discovered" Judaism after a couple of years of "service-hopping," attending varying religious services from Buddhist to Methodist to (the official religion of my family), Catholic.

It was when I met my (very secular) Jewish husband that I began to study Judaism. Wow! I understand that in Kabbalah there are references to "Lost souls" who were meant to be Jewish - I must be one of them.

Judaism fits like a glove. I feel as though I was never a gentile (although, I'm somewhat painfully reminded at family gatherings when Granny takes it personally when I don't eat her clam chowder. "You used to love it! What's the matter?") Anyway, my husband and I are trying to make up our minds about which synagogue to attend.

Ironically, after having attended only Conservative congregations since my conversion, I must have had an impact on my husband's religious views since he is now leaning toward Conservative. I, on the other hand, am for the first time in my life considering a Reform temple! The bottom line is (and I hate admitting this) convenience. We live minutes from the largest Reform temple in our area. Most of our friends are satisfied members there and when I think of schlepping 20 minutes two times a week for religious school, well, you get the scenario

As I told my husband, if we don't like it, we can always change. He feels that it's harder to "trade up" to Conservative once you've belonged to a Reform congregation. We've attended services at both, and like both. What do you think?

R

Dear R:

Your question is shared by many, Jews by birth and Jews by choice. Deciding to join one synagogue vs. another is driven by personal preferences. From your letter I would say that at least five criteria are important to you.

Two of them are what brought you to Judaism in the first place, a search for spirituality and community. So I would start by saying to choose the synagogue where you feel those needs are best met. Specifically, what do you think of the services, the music, the rabbi and the congregation. Do the clergy inspire or move you? Are people welcoming and warm? Are people singing, participating etc? I'd also check out what adult classes are offered and if people actually attend. Similarly, you should see what kind of "kindness" committees they have...like food shelf projects, helping the sick/elderly etc.

You also indicated that schooling for your children is a factor. Visit the schools, meet the principals, observe some classes and talk with other parents. What's the thrust of the school's curriculum? I am not big on schools that just teach skills (like Hebrew reading and prayer or Torah chanting.) More important in my view, is teaching kids Jewish values: in other words “WHY” they should be Jewish, as opposed to just "how."

Also, I need to be candid -- Religious and Hebrew schools are sadly famous for their behavior problems. Are the kids learning or just goofing around? Related to this, do the kids get to know their rabbi? Is the rabbi good with kids?

You also cite convenience. This is a worthy consideration and you need not apologize. Ideally, you will find a synagogue that you will use often. Distance and time will impact your usage...and your kids too when its time for youth group/plays etc. Hopefully, you will not be like a person who told me after switching synagogues that the second synagogue was closer to his home and he'd rather live closer to the synagogue he was not attending.

Finally, what about theology and movements? I have waited till now, because I believe one can find the things above in any of the movements. Personally, I happily attend synagogues of all the four main movements of Judaism (I am now adding Reconstructionist and Orthodox to this discussion.)

There are things in each movement that I like and dislike. I do not buy your husband's argument however about "trading up or down" from one movement to another. I don't view any movement as "down." Each has a different theology and I appreciate the merit in each of them. Here's a website with some nice short explanations of the differences: www.jewfaq.org/movements.htm.

If you want of course, you can join more than one shul. In the final analysis I would say, rather than making a decision based on what movement a synagogue is affiliated with, chose a place where you and your family can call home. Hope this helps you find that home.

Shana Tovah!

Gil