Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
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A
CHRISTMAS TREE IN MY HOUSE?
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Shalom
Gil:
I
have a problem. My kids from my first
marriage are 9 and 15 and are
Catholic. I converted to Judaism four
years ago. I am now married to a
wonderful Jewish man.
My
children are supportive of MY choice
for my own religion but have made it
clear to me that they are Catholic and
will not change at this point. I don't
press that issue. They do however,
share candle lighting on Fridays when
they are here with me (every other
week) and they do celebrate the other
holidays with me as far as getting
together for dinners but not going to
synagogue or anything like that. We
always have a seder on Passover and we
do celebrate Hanukkah with some
presents and celebrate Rosh Hashanah.
Now
that they are getting older, they are
saying that I don't share THEIR
holidays with them, like allowing a
Christmas tree in the house. What
makes this year especially difficult
is that they are here with me this
Christmas season and they are feeling
cheated in a certain way. Usually they
are with their Catholic father over
the season and I have never really had
to directly deal with this issue. Now
I am and I don't know what to tell
them.
I
have told them that this is a Jewish
home and that we don't have a tree.
But now they are angry and hurt
because I have not acknowledged them
in their religion. I admit -- I am
feeling guilty. They do participate
with me all of the time -- how do I do
the same for them? Honestly -- I feel
like I have abandoned them somewhat by
not freely allowing them their
religion when they are with me. Please
help me if you can. I need some
direction on this issue. Thank you.
H
Dear
H:
First
I want to compliment your
conscientiousness and the attention
you are giving this issue. You are
clearly trying to be a good mom and
person. Your problem is so intriguing
and challenging that I plan use it as
an E-Mail of the week and encourage
readers to send in their advice.
Personally,
I would not like having a tree in my
home so you must know that I start
with this bias. I don't buy the idea
that a Christmas tree is just a
secular or seasonal symbol (it is not
called a holiday or winter tree.) In
fact, I think your kids understand
this completely which is precisely why
they want a tree -- to celebrate
Christmas! Additionally, I know that
any advice I give on this most tender
topic has the potential to upset
somebody....but here goes.
I
have come to these conclusions: You
are correct to be sensitive to your
kids religious needs -- after all, you
converted not them. The Jewish home
where you live is designed to nourish
you but you also have an obligation to
nourish the children you have brought
into this world. Accordingly, I would
suggest the following course of
actions.
First
choice: have the kids spend the
holiday period with their dad...if
this is still an option.
Second
choice: see if you can give the kids a
tree (or little trees) in an area of
your house that can be for them (i.e.
bedroom or loft.)
Third
choice: let them have a tree in your
living or family room.
No
matter what you choose, I think you
should have an honest and caring
conversation with them -- so all of
you (including your current husband)
can express your thoughts, desires,
misgivings and concerns. You may need
to find some compromises (for example,
how to handle decorations, crucifixes,
etc.) Here, I do not mean to imply a
compromise that is a mixture of
religions -- like Jewish ornaments on
the tree. I think this is confusing
and not true to either religion.
You
should look at this issue as a
situation that you must face in your
home until your kids are 18 or so,
meaning this is a temporary issue --
not something for the rest of your
life. In the future though, I would
endeavor to have the kids spend this
holiday period with their dad so you
can avoid the discomfort of a tree in
your home.
To
further help you, I invite readers to
E-Mail their comments to me at GilMann@aol.com
and I will forward them on to you.
I
wish you and your children a holiday
season of love, understanding and
happiness!
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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