Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
copyright notice at the end. |
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An
Unusual Mother In-law!
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You
know the typical intrusive and
annoying mother in-law stories. Here's
a different twist: A non-Jewish mother
in-law--and an Orthodox daughter
in-law! Sparks a flying! Check it
out....
Hi
Gil!
I
just stumbled across your area of
America Online and am acting on an
impulse! I have a situation where I am
at a loss as to how to progress, I
though I'd see if you had any insight.
I
am a practicing Roman Catholic adult
(50) child of an intermarriage -- an
Italian-Catholic mom and a Jewish dad.
My parents successfully managed to
create a home in which each remained
observant in the tradition to which
he/she had been born. Both my sister
and I were raised as Catholics ... you
remember the not-too-distant days when
EVERYONE who married a Catholic had to
sign a promise regarding offspring's
religious training. Anyway, because
our home was one in which I saw my dad
observing his religion (and he did
daily don his tallis, keep holidays,
etc.), I have always been culturally
and philosophically comfortable with
Judaism.
Last
year I married a man who has children
from a previous marriage ... two
daughters: one Conservative and one
Orthodox. My husband is an observant
Conservative. Needless to day, the
reactions to our marriage were mixed
... pun intended. To cut to the chase
... the Orthodox daughter refuses to
allow her child (1 year) to see/know
/be exposed to me. She would like to
maintain a relationship with her
father, however. She and her husband
(who have both behaved badly toward
us) have decreed that they will
"... speak to (me) on the phone
and maybe even send a birthday card.
However, only my husband is welcome in
their home."
My
husband and I have suggested
counseling in order to find a way to
reach a middle ground... do you have
any input ??? Any ideas ??? By the
way, the rest of his family are
resoundingly supportive of our
marriage!
Interestingly
enough, although this would be an
anathema to both my stepdaughter and
her husband, I continue to pray daily
for the Christian charity needed to
keep an open heart toward them both
... for my husband's sake. If you can
offer me any advice, I'd be grateful.
T
Dear
T:
Your
efforts to keep peace within your home
and family are most admirable. You may
not realize this, but you are actually
living up to a high Jewish value
called Shalom Bayit--which means peace
in the home. Judaism says that maximum
efforts should be made to maintain
peace within the home. Compromise,
respect, tolerance and patience are
all components of Shalom Bayit
according to one source.
Shalom
Bayit often refers to harmony between
a husband and wife. But numerous
references--including Orthodox -- say
that Shalom Bayit extends to the whole
family and includes the commandment to
honor your mother and father.
Apparently your husband's daughter's
interpretation of Shalom Bayit is much
narrower.....I am sorry to read this.
In
trying to give her the benefit of the
doubt, I suspect that her intention
has something to do with wanting to
send a message to her child (though
only 1 year old) that being
Jewish--and marrying a Jewish person
is an extremely high value to her. So
high a value, that she is willing to
hurt you and her father and deny her
child a grandmother. It would be hard
not to take this treatment personally,
but I am not sure you should since her
behavior may not be about you.
As
I say that, I must add that I too
think being Jewish is important and I
try to positively demonstrate this to
my children in the hope that they will
someday want to marry a Jew and have
Jewish children. But I don't believe
your daughter in-law's tactic of
shunning you is a constructive way to
perpetuate Judaism...and I am far from
convinced that this tactic is
effective either. If anything, I think
it sends negative messages about
Judaism to you, her child and others.
My
suggestion to you is to continue to
take the high road and maintain your
offer to talk together or with a third
party. Hopefully, through your
behavior or through dialogue, over
time your husband's daughter will see
in you the same qualities your husband
sees.
In
addition, I suggest you look at the
website of the Jewish Outreach
Institute: www.joi.org --They
specialize in outreach to intermarried
couples. They have a bulletin board
where you could share your situation
and questions with others and they
also offer many other resources you
may wish to investigate.
Hang
in there and thanks for writing!
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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