Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
copyright notice at the end. |
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THE
POWER OF FORGIVENESS ...18 YEARS LATER
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Readers:
Most of us carry a hurt or a grievance
against someone who we find difficult
to forgive. I suspect you can easily
identify someone you've had trouble
forgiving. Keep that person in mind as
you read the emotional exchange of
emails below that began last Rosh
Hashana. As you will see, what
transpired was moving and healing.
Especially at High Holiday time, I
thought that others would be inspired
by the story and sought permission
from the two writers to print their
very personal emails that follow.
Understanding how others could be
helped, they graciously agreed. (I
have changed names and details.)
Dear
Gil:
Our
daughter, Ellen, was killed in a car
accident, 18 years ago. Her best
friend Sharon was driving, when the
car hit a bridge.
Her
parents were very good people and our
families were close before the
accident. At first we were very
concerned for Sharon. Needless to say
after shiva, etc., the relationship
died of natural causes
We
recently found out that Sharon's
mother died about a year ago. Sharon
is now married and has 4 children
including a new baby. She has never
asked for forgiveness in any way,
either by words or action.
Our
daughter would have been 42 today. It
is so hard to hear all the news of
friends who are married and now have
families.
What
do you suggest?? Toleration to us,
means put up with, to acknowledge. To
forgive, as I understand it, is to ask
for or indicate there is remorse for
the past action even if it cannot be
resolved -- such as bringing our
daughter back to life.
I
have been doing bereavement education
for many years now and have enabled
many bereaved parents to find a place
in their being to tolerate the
intolerable. Most of the time we don't
think much about Sharon but holidays
do bring this to the surface to be
ruminated upon.
Sincerely,
Rose
Shalom
Rose:
I
read your letter with sadness. As a
person who works with the bereaved I
think you could give me more advice
than I could give you...still I will
offer you my reactions.
First
of course, it makes perfect sense to
me that you think of Ellen and Sharon
at the times you mentioned. If you did
not then I would be surprised.
I
wondered as I read your email, if
speaking to Sharon would be fruitful
and healing for you. After all these
years, I would guess that Sharon has
not totally healed. My guess is that
she had thought to speak with you but
felt awkward, ashamed, guilty or some
other feelings...and as time passed,
the feelings were muted but the
awkwardness increased.
Perhaps
a note to her expressing your
condolences over her mother or a Mazol
Tov on her children would work. In the
note indicate that you think of Sharon
and her friendship with Ellen often
and would appreciate the chance to
reminisce a bit. I would avoid putting
her on the defensive in the note and
in person...but if the conversation
was going well, you could even
candidly discuss what the accident was
like for Sharon. I am not sure an
apology would emerge, but something
positive for both of you could.
And
if she did not respond to your
overture...that too may be helpful to
you (hurtful as it may be) as you will
learn that Sharon is simply not at a
place you need her to be...
Let
me know what you think.
Shana
Tovah!
Gil
I
sent that reply to Rose last October
and never heard back. Then out of the
blue in January, I received the
following Email under the subject:
REMEMBER ME?
Dear
Gil:
I
wrote to you around the Jewish
Holidays and how it made me think of
my dead daughter Ellen and her friend
Sharon who was driving the car when
Ellen died.
It
has taken this long to complete the
task. After a number of phone
attempts, Sharon and I finally
connected and we had a long talk on
New Year's Day. I feel it was a
definite breakthrough. Then she sent
me the attached email
I
just knew that Hashem kept pushing me
to do this as 18 is a very important
number in Judaism. The fact that it
means "life" made me need to
do this.
Rose
ATTACHED
EMAIL:
Dear
Rose and Herb:
I
just wanted to drop you my email
address. I really appreciate you
calling me. Our relationship turned
into an extremely difficult one. I
want you to know how many times I
wanted to call you guys. I'm the kind
of person that keeps everything
inside. I don't like anyone to see my
vulnerable side. I know how much I
hurt 18+ years later, I can only
imagine your pain. I don't mean to
bring back any painful thoughts. I'm
sitting in front of my computer and
tears are running down my face. I too
miss Ellen and will eternally pay the
price for extremely poor judgment. I
have lived the past 18 years for both
she and I. She is always with me. I
wish you both a happy new year.
Love
your old friend,
Sharon
Dear
Readers: Rose has written me several
additional times and thanked me for
the encouragement to contact Sharon. I
hope her story encourages you to seek
and grant forgiveness to people you
know this High Holiday season.
Shana
Tovah!
Gil
PS
I had prepared this column in advance
of the horrible terrorist attacks last
week. Perhaps someday, we can
entertain the notion of forgiving the
terrorists. But at this point, I
believe our efforts and energy should
be directed toward a different and
more appropriate Jewish value: the
pursuit justice, (not to be confused
with vengeance.)
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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