Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
copyright notice at the end. |
 |
|
NOW
INTERMARRIAGE IS FUNNY?
|
 |
Hi
Gil,
I
read in my local Jewish paper
(Florida) a front page article about
intermarriage, featuring a picture
from the movie Meet the Parents. The
title of the article in big red
letters said: "NO BIG DEAL --
Objections to intermarriage have
clearly collapsed. Now what?"
After
reading this article I became alarmed.
This article indicated that "The
National Jewish Population Survey
reported that 52% of American Jews who
had married between 1985 and 1990 had
wed non-Jews." The article asked
if intermarriage is "a tragedy or
a symbol of our success as
Americans?" What bothers me about
this findings is that we (the Jews)
have accepted this intermarriage issue
in such a normal way that funny movies
are made about it like Meet the
Parents.
Doesn't
anyone care about our heritage
anymore, except the Orthodox? It seems
to me that we (the Jews) are doing a
better job at destroying ourselves
than evil monsters like Hitler,
Stalin, the Greeks and the Romans had
in mind. What did our fathers,
grandfathers and forefathers die for?
We
survived mostly because G-d wanted us
to, and mainly because the Orthodox
wouldn't give up on our religion like
the 52% have. Most Conservative
and Reform Jews think that it's OK
since so many have been doing it, and
people are walking around being proud
of their success at fitting in. I
am sending this question out there
into the universe through you, hoping
that that someone else would stop and
think about this issue. I wanted
to know what you think about this
subject.
N
Shalom
N!
You
are definitely not alone in your
worrying. Many people (not just
Orthodox Jews) care deeply about this
subject...including me. While
expressing your concern, you could
have included a second hit movie
Keeping the Faith that also
touches on intermarriage humorously.
While I found both movies to be
funny I also found them to be
disturbing.
Disturbing
because we face a great challenge:
when non-Jews hated us,
maintaining our identity was easy.
But what do we do when our
non-Jewish neighbors love us and want
to marry us? We love them back
and marry them...but what becomes of
Judaism?
I
must say here that intermarriage does
not necessarily mean the loss of a Jew
or the children of that marriage.
I regularly hear from Jews and
non-Jews involved in an intermarriage
who are interested in Judaism and are
serious about giving their children a
Jewish upbringing. Plus I have
personally seen the success of
outreach efforts to these couples.
Having
said that, the same population study
that you cited showing a 52%
intermarriage rate presented a second
troubling statistic: ONLY 28% of the
children in these homes are being
raised as Jews! The study's
findings have been criticized and a
new one is in the works, but if the
results are correct, Jews face a
demographic time bomb!
How
has this happened? In 2 words:
acceptance and assimilation.
After giving a lecture once
about Jewish identity issues, an 80
year old gentleman raised his hand and
said "when I was growing up,
these issues were not issues -- don't
you think that in a way anti-Semitism
was a blessing?" I was
taken aback and said
"blessing" is the last word
I would use to describe anti-Semitism.
I would not care to trade places
with any of my grandparents who lived
persecuted in ghettos in Europe. But
part of breaking out of the ghetto and
living in an accepting society has
been intermarriage.
What
to do about it? I believe
two things. First we must raise
Jews with warm, positive and rewarding
Jewish experiences and educations.
Their Jewish memories must
be so rich that abandoning Judaism
would leave an unfillable void in
their lives. Most of the Jews I have
encountered who have opted out or away
from Judaism do not feel they are
missing anything; or worse, are happy
to abandon bad memories of their
Judaism.
The
second thing we need to do is
recognize the reality of our society
today and of intermarriage and reach
out in every way possible to show
these couples that Judaism is a
loving, thoughtful and compassionate
way of life. Sadly, I have heard
many times from people who have
intermarried who have told me, they
were shunned by Jewish family and
community. This attitude is
counterproductive. Could anyone
be surprised, if as a result of such
treatment these couples decide that
they do not want any part of Judaism
in their homes or for their children?
I
am encouraged by the many innovative
programs now underway that address
both of these suggestions.
There is also a recognition that when
children arrive, intermarried couples
often reexamine religion. These
programs are sponsored by many
organizations and individuals
definitely including the Reform and
Conservative Movements. I could
cite many examples of creative
initiatives of outreach and inreach,
but don't have the space here. I
support all of these efforts and will
list just one here for others to
check: The Jewish Outreach
Institute (website: www.joi.org.)
What
will be of Judaism? Will these
many efforts encourage Jews to embrace
their Judaism? Can we stem the
demographic tide? Only if our
institutions change to show Jews a
Judaism that is relevant to their
modern lives. A Judaism
that is compelling and not merely a
fight against anti-Semitism or
tradition for tradition sake. THESE
CHANGES ARE NEEDED FOR ALL JEWS, NOT
JUST FOR THE INTERMARRIED! I
believe we can do this. Is
enough being done? Definitely
not. Will we be successful?
I'll
answer with a quote I heard from Rabbi
Joseph Telushkin. He said that
in the 1970s, Look Magazine wrote of
impending doom for Judaism because of
negative demographic trends.
Well, we are still here but Look
Magazine is dead. I believe we
will survive....but not without worry,
learning, work, pain and change.
For over 2000 years this has
been the Jewish recipe for survival.
Thank
you for sending your question out
"into the universe." I
am sure it will prompt discussions
around many dinner tables and
classrooms.
Gil
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
|
|
