Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
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My
Rabbi's in Love With Me & I'M MARRIED!!! Part 2
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Dear Readers:
In my last column
I responded to a plea for advice from a married woman (code
named "P") whose rabbi -- also married -- had fallen
in love with her and was sending her unwanted gifts, cards and
Emails. To avoid the rabbi she has sadly left her life long
synagogue and joined another. Aside from the two spouses in the
situation and a therapist being seen by the rabbi and his wife,
nobody else knows of the problem.
I pointed out that
Judaism has traditionally recognized that leaders are only human
and can be flawed. Still, I suggested she contact the rabbi's
rabbinical association and also a lawyer. In addition, I asked
for suggestions from readers. I received many Emails, virtually
all from women, but very few had similar situations. Below are 8
edited excerpts from some of these Emails:
# 1: This lady
should not have to leave her shul, she is not the one in the
wrong. I think the rabbi is the one who needs to leave. However,
even if the rabbi leaves, she needs to realize that the other
members of the shul may wind up being upset with her, instead of
him, unless she makes it clear as to what has been occurring.
# 2: I don't want
to see this man's career ruined, but it sounds like he is very
close to doing that himself. I think if she could go to his
rabbinical organization with this they might be able to counsel
and mentor him through this problem. Of course in this day and
age of litigation she may want to contact legal counsel first to
make sure she can't be sued for going to the rabbinical
organization about this problem. I also feel badly for this
rabbi's wife. How must she be feeling?
# 3: (from a rabbi
who wrote how saddened he was:) Your writer asks "are we
holding the rabbi to a higher standard than we would anyone
else?" I think that the answer should be no. His behavior
would be unacceptable from any professional who works with and
impacts people's lives. Rabbis should strive to live lives that
are examples of moral and ethical behavior for their congregates
to follow. They should do this not to live up to a higher
standard, but rather to lead others to live the way that we all
ought to be behaving...P should report him to his rabbinical
association. His behavior should not be allowed to continue
unchecked.
# 4 I'm a
psychiatrist, and have dealt with multiple cases of 'clergy
abuse.' It doesn't sound as though any actual physical
violations have occurred, but boundary violations have and
continue to occur. This woman must let someone who is in a
position to address this issue with the rabbi know what is going
on. I am concerned that there may be other individuals who have
been approached by this rabbi. This is often a pattern of
behavior, and not an isolated incident...Yes, the Torah tells us
of our leaders and their faults, but I hope that we will help
our leaders and others when there is help available to deal with
these faults. And in some cases the 'faults' may in fact be
illnesses that need medical treatment. P may also need
supportive counseling to realize that she is not alone and she
did nothing to cause this.
#5 What about the
writer's husband? Why hasn't he taken any action, short of
beating the guy up, of course? Is he a wimp? Therefore, I
strongly urge that your writer does report him. He should be
fired from that temple. Why should she and her husband be forced
to abandon her temple which she loves just to avoid this idiot?
Sounds like a soap opera to me. Reminds me of that case in New
Jersey, where a rabbi is being accused of hiring a hit man to
kill his wife. He also had had affairs with members of his
congregation.
# 6: I think she
should definitely speak to the Synagogue's Board of Directors
about it; there could indeed be legal issues surrounding his
behavior. If he bothered this woman, he might be doing it to
employees of the synagogue too, and the synagogue could be held
liable for his actions.
# 7 Social workers
do what are called interventions. Possibly a get together with a
social worker, the rabbi in question, his wife, the victimized
couple [should be arranged]. Face to face, when the rabbi sees
"P" sitting with her husband and is confronted by them
and the rabbi's own wife, maybe then it'll hit home.
# 8 The fact that
women can be put into this situation is increasing, look at the
example in our President. The fact that rabbis are allowed to
get away with it is an even bigger disgrace. We must do all we
can to protect other vulnerable women and our daughters. Not
many people are coming to the aid of women who are victimized by
their clergy I guess I'm putting part of the ball now in your
court, you have access to millions, where do you stand?
Dear Readers:
Here's where I stand: this rabbi appears fortunately to be a
rare instance. Still, he is way out of line and the woman must
first take action to protect herself and if she has the
emotional strength, to protect others. Upon reading all the
Email I received, I am inclined to suggest that she go beyond
contacting a lawyer and the rabbinical association. She should
contact officers of the board of her ex-synagogue. Her efforts
to keep this problem confidential may have an admirable intent,
but I think in the Iong run they harm her, her synagogue,
possible other victims and even her rabbi -- who clearly needs
help.
Thanks to all of
you who wrote in.
Gil
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© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
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