Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
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My
Rabbi's in Love With Me & I'M MARRIED!!!
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Dear Gil:
Please have
patience as this is hard for me to write or discuss and I feel
I'll burst if I don't share this with someone who can help me.
Since I was
young, I have been an active member of my synagogue --
volunteering and attending often. It is like home to me -- at
least, it used to be. We have had many rabbis during this period
-- our current rabbi has been here 6 years and the board and
congregation are pleased with him.
I'll cut to the
chase: my rabbi has fallen in love with me! THE FEELINGS ARE NOT
MUTUAL! We are both married...to other people! In my case, I am
and have always been happily married to a wonderful husband. Both
of our spouses know of the rabbi's feelings for me, but no one
else knows. The rabbi has done counseling to deal the problem.
But this has not
stopped his affections for me. He regularly sent me emails --
until I blocked them and he continues to send me cards and gifts.
To avoid him, we have even joined another synagogue which saddens
us greatly and denies me "my shul" where I grew up.
My belief in my
religion has not been shaken. But I don't feel I have a spiritual
leader and that creates a terrible void within me. This rabbi has
been through several family deaths with us and we could not have
asked for anyone better.
Where do I find
peace with this situation? What do I do? How do I live with this?
I would be interested in the responses from your readers. I think
a lot of people would find a story like this hard to believe. I
know I would if I weren't living it. Why would a rabbi do this?
Why could he not control his feelings? I know a rabbi is just a
man like all others but are we holding him to a higher standard
than we would anyone else? Thank you for your thoughts and
consideration.
P
Dear P:
What a difficult
problem! I think you answered at least one of your questions when
you said the rabbi is just a man. In this case, a man with a
problem that severely impacts his leadership. Judaism teaches that
leaders can be flawed -- even great leaders: Moses and King David
are classic examples of this. King David had a serious lust
problem too!
I think the reason
Judaism shows us flaws in our heroes and leaders is to teach us
that all of us have the potential to act in Divine ways or like an
animal -- even our leaders. In other words, our leaders are only
human -- they are not God.
Perhaps a positive
way for you to view this unpleasant situation is that since rabbis
are only human like us, we are equally entitled to speak to, pray
to, or work on behalf of God. Unlike many religions, Jews do not
need an intermediary between us and God.
Your situation shows
that each of us is capable of great good and great wrong...even
our rabbis. The great good that you are capable of achieving is
finding a way to ignore, accept or even forgive this problem/flaw
your rabbi has...difficult as it is, and I do appreciate the
difficulty.
"Wonderful,"
you may be thinking, "a theology lesson and I am still stuck
with my problem!"
I'll end with two
more concrete ideas. First, I think you should communicate to your
rabbi that if he does not stop sending you gifts, emails, cards,
etc., you will share what you have received with the rabbinical
association he belongs to. Perhaps you should anyway, since he
sounds like he could use help. Further, his behavior may be
bordering on illegal and you may wish to speak with an attorney.
Secondly, I am
asking my readers for advice. Your problem, though rare, is far
from unknown -- I know of 2 Jewish clergy who had affairs with
congregants. So readers: please Email me your advice on how you
would handle both the rabbi and the problem of being forced to
change synagogues. I will write a follow up column if enough good
advice comes in. As always, I will alter any Email I publish if
necessary to protect confidences. Thank you.
Gil
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A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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