Dear
Readers,
These columns began on my area of America Online, called: Judaism
Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously
sent me E-Mail, and I began to choose one for a public response
in my Jewish E-Mail of the Week column. The column has become
quite popular and is now syndicated internationally in many
Jewish papers and websites. I hope you find they help you
as you think about the Ethics, Spirituality and Peoplehood
components of the Jewish way of Life. I welcome your
comments... see the end of the column.
Gil
PS
Teachers and others, feel free to copy my columns and forward
them or use them as you see fit. Please see the friendly
copyright notice at the end. |
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The Rebellious Child: How Far to
Push?
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Dear Readers:
During our Passover Seders, we read about the famous four sons: The
wise, the rebellious, the simple and the one who cannot yet speak. Below
is a letter about a rebellious child. The subject: Jewish education. I
am sure many parents…and children will relate.
Dear Gil:
We'd like your opinion about how to approach Judaism and Jewish learning
with our teenage son. Recently an opportunity came up for him to attend
an excellent Jewish high school in our town. We were thrilled. He was
not.
In fact, he sabotaged the admission process by purposely doing poorly on
the placement exams. He basically wants to go where his friends go. Now,
we would like him to supplement his education in some other ways --
going to services and participating (not reading a book during services,
his current practice), doing a Torah reading occasionally, getting
involved in the Jewish youth group at our temple, etc.
My son does attend a Jewish camp and took (with pressure) a one week
trip to Israel last year. My question is, if we push him too much will
it turn him off to Judaism even more? Do you have any advice?
P
Dear P:
Given how adept your son is at sabotage, I think you are right; pushing
him too hard could be counterproductive. When our son Josh (he told me I
could use his name), was a teen, even a preteen, he had a similar
attitude, though thankfully he was not a saboteur! We responded four
ways.
#1 We genuinely listened to his objections about everything from
frustration with services to attending a Jewish day school. Of course,
genuinely listening to children should be standard operating procedure
no matter what the issue.
But for some reason, when the subject is religion, many parents seem to
have a different attitude…more akin to cramming religion down the kid’s
throat. For example, “I had a Bar Mitzvah and you are going to have one
too -- whether you like it or not.”
When Josh was 11, he informed us that he did not want to have a Bar
Mitzvah. Though we don't think an 11 year old is in a position to make
such a decision, we told him that we would not force him. We explained
that he automatically “became” a Bar Mitzvah when he was 13. We told him
if he wanted to “have” a Bar Mitzvah, he could at anytime as long as the
ceremony was not within 6 months of his siblings. We also gave him a
number of things to think about in his decision.
Knowing Josh, we chose this tact because we felt confident that he would
decide he did want a Bar Mitzvah. As we expected, after he reflected a
bit more, he indeed chose to have a Bar Mitzvah. Not only that, he did
so with gusto and learned much more than average for his Bar Mitzvah. In
the end, he was very proud of himself.
#2 As for his questions and objections, we did our best to answer and
told him that we genuinely respected his thinking and questioning. I
told him that I shared many of his sentiments, e.g., like Josh, I often
find services to be meaningless and I do not believe in traditional
images of God.
Over the course of my conversations with him, I shared answers I had
found to my own objections and questions. I explained in detail why
Judaism was important to me. I also sought answers from a rabbi that
Josh liked. The three of us spent several sessions together talking
about Josh's objections.
Here I must make an important point: you should be able to articulate
your answers to the questions “why does Judaism matter?” and “why be
Jewish?” if you hope to have your children also want to be Jewish.
#3 We made compromises -- that is both of us. My wife and I agreed to be
flexible about not forcing him to do everything “Jewish” we wanted. Josh
agreed to truly try the things he attended, even if he did not think he
was gaining anything of value. Over time, he became fairly active in our
synagogue's youth group. Every summer he looked forward to attending 8
weeks of Jewish summer camp…though I suspect his attendance and
participation in prayer services was spotty. I chose not to give him
grief over that. We did pressured him to take a trip to Israel and
Poland. In retrospect, he was grateful to us.
#4 More important than all of this, my wife and I model that we love
being Jewish 24/7. We love Jewish holidays, ethics, community, caring,
food, family, Israel and so many other parts of being Jewish.
As a part of modeling, keep in mind this wonderful quote from Robert
Fulgham, that I've thought of often as a parent: “Don't worry that
children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
Whether your child, grandchild, or child you care about is wise,
rebellious, simple or unable to ask a question, how you lead your life
is probably the greatest influence on the child. Think of your parents
and grandparents and how they influenced you Jewishly. You play the same
role to the children watching you. Remembering this, do your best to
emulate the good influences you saw as a child and live a life you hope
your child will want to emulate. You and your child with both be
rewarded.
Happy Passover!
Gil
PS Today Josh is 22 years old. He is passionately involved in a number
of Jewish causes and cares deeply about our synagogue…though he is still
not crazy about services.
A FRIENDLY COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© Copyright Gil Mann
These columns can be found at www.beingjewish.org. Not
only do I give you permissions to copy these Jewish Email
columns...I HOPE YOU WILL and that you share them with others!
All I ask is that you never charge anyone for them and that you
also include this little copyright notice. Thank You!
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